Mirror Mirror on the Wall, Who’s the Betchiest One of All? Gossip Girl Recap

For this assignment, the first website that came to mind was betcheslovethis.com. This is a hilarious blog run by a group of females called “The Betches.” The definition of a “betch” is a girl that has it all together. She knows what she wants and she has everyone on her side. She speaks her mind and commands attention in the room (Blair does this.) This website has given my friends and I many laughs. It makes references to pop culture. It has an advice column where dumb girls can write in and try to get their problems solved from the Betches. I took inspiration from this article and this one and this one too. It was really fun to break out of my own comfort zone of writing and write this article. I basically wanted to use the humor and layout of their recaps and articles and write a review of the show Gossip Girl (which ended its season last December) and try and find out who is the "betchiest" on the show. It's not as funny as the ones on the site, maybe because I'm not a betch. Hope you enjoy :) I also didn't want to give away too many spoilers from the show. I realized it makes it seem a little dull, but in case someone hasn't watched it, I didn't want to give away obvious points, besides the one about Dan of course. But there is a ton of back story that would be hard to explain in one article, especially when I'm discussing the characters personalities in the show. (pictures from google)

xoxo S

Mirror Mirror on the Wall, Who’s the Betchiest One of All? Gossip Girl Recap

Gossip Girl has been over for almost a year, expect spoilers, duh. After six seasons, there is no question that this show had some of the betchiest beauties on television.

 The show was laughable at times because it was so ridiculous. But these characters stole our hearts every Monday night (or 5 hours a day on Netflix for a few months) and we will surely miss the drama, love affairs, and Serena’s gorgeous outfits.

The story kind of just ends and everyone is happy. How anticlimactic and unbetchy! Where’s the war! Where’s the fighting? Where’s the random people falling off rooftops??? But I guess the writers thought after 6 seasons of drama, a happy ending was the only thing that would suffice.

Dan Humphrey

Dan. SPOLIER ALERT: DAN IS GOSSIP GIRL (he’s also A, clearly.) It all makes sense now. All his stalking, weird quirks, and that horrible name “Lonely Boy” (which honestly reminds me of a horribly groomed 13 year old boy sitting in his room with a box of tissues and pornhub, I wouldn't be surprised of that was Dan when he was 13 with creepy pictures of Serena) He played it so well because everyone thought he was just a fly on the wall. Ha! Fooled ya! Dan is a wannabe betch, but really, he's just a creep. 

Nate Archibald

Nate’s character seemed irrelevant through the whole show (I mean, how many times do we have to see him hooking up with women twice his age or high school girls?) Plus his dumbass face throughout the whole series kind of sealed the deal that despite being a major hunk (oh yeah, I said it, “hunk”) he is in no way, a betch. He might have had betchy moments (Go Nate!) but he’s not a betch.

Chuck Bass

“I’m Chuck Bass” Oww Oww, that line gets me every time. Chuck was full of betchy scenes that made girls like me cream their panties, (no? just me? Damn) His family was fucking nuts, I mean with his dad (and mom) being “dead” for a few seasons. But it wouldn’t be television if someone didn’t come back from the dead. Chuck was just so alluring and sexual, yet an asshole. Is there a better combo than that? But what made him so perfect was his everlasting love for Blair. Chuck might have been an asshole, but he wasn’t a betch. He was just Chuck Bass.

Serena van der Woodsen

Serena: Cokehead at age 14. Serena has a soft spot in every ones heart. Her daddy issues can be blamed for all the crazy shit she does in the show, including dating, then marrying Dan (GAG.) Serena always tried to play the pretty blonde who was nice to everyone, which meant her giving Lonely Boy a chance after he stalked her when she arrived back to the city. Serena wasn’t a betch. She was just trying to always find herself, using drugs, and men. But, we still love her for gorgeous outfits, hair, and overall persona of being perfect.

Jenny Humphrey

Oh Jenny. In the books, you had giant tits and an awesome character, but your character in the show was less to be desired. You went through a fucking midlife crisis at age like, 15. Stop trying to be Blair because you will never be Blair. When Jenny left the show mid series, the show got better. She was a wannabe betch.

Parents and other characters

Okay, now what parents really act like these parents? Rufus Humphrey(what kind of name is Rufus, OH RUFUS) sleeping around with 20 year olds, dating his son’s girlfriends mother, and just trying to be something he’s not, a betch (wonder where Jenny gets it.)

Lily van der Woodsen was a rich bitch, but she wasn’t a betch. Although, moving on so quickly after your husband dies is pretty betchy.

 Ivy Dickens was definitely a betch. Her character added so much to the show. Plus, she had some balls hooking up with all the dads on the show. Too bad she kind of lost it at the end of season 5.

Vanessa Abrams started off as a sweetie, but she turned out to be a crazy bitch. I can’t think of anyone who actually liked her. She did some really fucked up things to people who were trying to help her. And who does she think she is just bouncing right back into Dan’s life after years of being out of it? She’s just crazy.

Georgina Sparks was a betch. I think that one is pretty obvious, but she turned out to be another crazy on the show. Shame! I wanna slap whoever decided to send her to Jesus camp.

Clearly I don’t care about the other cast members, and none of them were betches.

Blair Waldorf

Blair, Queen B. lives happily ever after with Chuck and their son (who looks really old in the season finale, isn’t he supposed to be like, 4?) Blair and Chuck’s story was one of the few I could actually follow. It was so cute how they always were there for each other. I mean, Chuck almost died more than once, Blair was right there, like Edward in Twilight (gag.)

Blair was Queen B, but when it came to Chuck, she was just a little puppy dog. The tough girl act wasn’t believable, neither was the hot second almost marriage to prince whatever. Although, deep down, Blair will always be, a sweetheart. Blair was the girl who tried to be everything and wanted everyone to love her. She was the Queen Betch. A betch always gets what she wants, which is why Blair tops my list for the betchiest in the show. She got the guy, the kid, and she will always be super fucking rich. DOROTA!